Unwelcome Spawns of Disturbed Nature

I used to tell myself I wasn’t afraid of spiders. As long as they weren’t in my room, or house, or on the front porch, it was fine. If they were busy out in the wilderness being bug-creatures, I didn’t care. My main beef with eight-legged circles began when they continued to teleport from place to place or pop out in the most random and unexpected locations. Below a box I turned upside down. Atop the towel wrapping my wet hair in a pile on my head. Parked on my comforter when I was about to make my bed. In a drawer. In a shoe. In the sleeve of a jacket unworn through the summer. That is why I didn’t like them. But I didn’t say I was afraid of them either. It was the trespassing, not the unnerving spheres with too many legs and too many eyes. Or so I thought. 
It was when I spotted crabs every now and again that I came to the inner truth: circles with legs are creepy and subtly terrifying. Crabs are basically sea spiders, and I don’t fancy them just as much, so the dots connected. There is a way these round death beasts move that I find incredibly unsettling. The amount of limbs to body ratio looks off, as well as the length of said limbs in comparison to said body. The way they scurry from location to location, immeasurably fast, churns my insides. To catch them, one must be a god, should one fail, one’s life ends for they do not run away from one, nay, they run onto one. That is an evolutionary decision that I disagree with. 
The portion of Canada where I lived the majority of my life was the kingdom for wolf spiders. Giant creatures without fear. These cocky bastards would camp out in the most inconvenient places. They would claim land in parts of our bathroom, like the tub, or the corner right near the toilet. You couldn’t dream of escaping fast enough lest they decide to charge you whilst you were sat doing your business, unless you could make peace with blanketing the floor in dung logs and bladder juice. They marked their territory that was once our territory with their presence, laughing at us with their hoard of eyes. There was a house we lived in where wolf spiders would inhabit the frame of the front door. Those horrifying idiots would stand their ground on that door frame and it was the only time I could finally laugh at them because every single time we shut that door, those ungodly beings would meet their demise. Their stubbornness and stoic attitude led to a pattern of smushed carcasses all over our doorway. Never to be moved, for even in death, they freaked me out and instead remained in a grave they marked themselves with themselves. One would have thought the amount of brown splotches would warn the surviving brethren but their ferocity is balanced out with stupidity. 
I only wish they all shortened their lives by inhabiting that door frame, but alas, the ones that made it through into the house tormented me relentlessly. Even when we moved out and into a new hovel where I dwelled in the garage, they came. They lurked in the ceiling corners and under my bed and behind my desk. Their numbers grew, and I was facing them alone. War was declared and every Saturday I battled the spiders. I was armed with a yardstick, vacuum, and spray bottle with a toxic mixture of water and peppermint essential oil whilst they were armed with their unnatural speed and agility. I used the yardstick to crush the hairy bodies that sat on my walls and vacuumed up the creeps crawling around beneath my bed. I transferred all my easily movable belongings from under my bed, my desk, and along my walls and sprayed the borders of my room with the peppermint water. It was a time consuming task, but it needed to be done. Gradually the spider army dwindled, though a few moronic souls would step feet into my domain only to be met with a swift execution more merciful than they deserved. 
I have since swallowed my pride and admit now, that I am afeared of spider creatures, whether they be from land or sea, I wish not to be in a nearby presence of them. They can do what they please out of my sight and home, but if we meet face to face, if a challenge is sensed by me from them, well, let me just say, I brought that yardstick with me when I moved into my murder building, and I only brought it for one reason. To the spiders that think about crossing me, do not be that reason. Ye have been warned.