Reading Between the Lines

    I know I’ve mentioned this before, and I know I’ll inevitably mention it again, but I am a shy, socially awkward human. Being such leads me to struggle with putting my foot down and telling someone “enough” after they’ve crossed one too many lines. I reckon most people like myself go through something similar: being afraid to say “no”. A lot of women deal with this regularly. That classic scenario when gents-that-need-to-prove-their-worthiness-as-a-person fail to see the hints given off by the woman that she is uncomfortable with their advances and wants to escape. Sometimes it goes so far that even after declining their offers, these fellas still don’t catch on. The same goes for peer pressure. The want for someone to do something, drink something, say something despite their unwillingness to follow through. And instead of recognizing their hesitance, others will join the chorus asking “why not?”, “just do it”.
People are complicated. We give off confusing messages, signs, gestures. Hell, even using our words we can wind up with miscommunication that after seven minutes of yelling at one another brings us to the conclusion that we all agreed on the same thing in the first place. That said, not everyone is going to speak in the bluntest of ways so that no one is left with questions. Especially people that don’t fare well with talking to others. I’ve lived through some horrible circumstances solely because I couldn’t say “no” and because the other person lacked the ability to see, even though I hadn’t spoken, my entire posture objected to what they wanted. Even in day to day conversations with friends, I have the utmost difficulty drawing lines using verbal communication. Those lines then get crossed a multitude of times because I never specifically say “stop it, you went too far”. I do, however, voice the fact that lines are getting crossed or make strange stressed out noises that my friends know mean discomfort. I start growling more, my voice holds more of a warning tone when I say “watch yourself”. My demeanor has lost its playfulness and has grown more solemn. I no longer display the fact that I am enjoying the actions or words that are being carried out. Some of those friends catch on, others don’t. It is for those others that I am writing this. 
Not everyone is straightforward and we need to pay attention to one another to ensure that we aren’t tormenting them without knowing it. Clearly this isn’t an easy thing to do when it comes to people we don’t know well, but people that we work with regularly, people that we’ve been friends with for years, people that have a strong sense of who we are and how we function should most be aware of how we silently communicate. Sure, it can be frustrating for those around me to not receive loud objections when they push too many buttons. It’s probably irritating to have to often check in halfway through a conversation to make sure that we aren’t uncomfortable with what’s being said. I reckon some people might think they’re talking to a small child instead of an adult because of how careful they need to be and it’s more tiring. I’m aware of all of this, but here’s what’s worse, I have to live with it. Enduring some brief annoyances with my inability to stand up for myself over the course of a few hours is incomparable to me having to deal with that every single day. 
People seem to forget that the flaws and challenges of each individual are not always easily solved. What may seem simple for you, might not be for another. Your strategies with combating social anxiety will not be the same as someone else’s. We each have our own life journey that is unique to us, though there may be some parallel roads to others, ultimately we must travel alone. Our brains are not shared by anyone but ourselves. We can seek help, suggestions, advice, wisdom, but we ourselves will be applying that knowledge and we ourselves will know truly if any of it worked. I am trying to hold my ground, I really am, but it’s not going to be an overnight fix. It’s not something that people can rewire by throwing me into uncomfortable situations or testing me by prodding me until I say something. To reconfigure our brains takes time. So, what we can do whilst we wait, is pay attention to one another. Read between the lines of how each of us acts. Not everyone is going to hold up a sign that says how they feel. As nice as that would be, it’s never going to happen. People in silent movies portrayed entire storylines without more than a wee paragraph to explain things. Mimes do the same without the title card. The actress in The Shape of Water was bloody deaf and spoke only through her hands and body language for two hours. Sure she had subtitles for when she signed her lines but hopefully you get what I’m saying. There is far more to communication than verbally stating our thoughts. We need to remember that so we can keep each other safe and supported. 
It won’t be easy. Mistakes will be made. But in the end, you tried. You learned and you will improve. That is what’s important. Far fewer people will be pressured into doing something they don’t want to do, will be continuously irritated or angered by something that was said, will be embarrassed by something that was done. With the extra effort will come more reward, for it will be immensely appreciated to not always be forced to speak up before we are ready. Talking is terrifying for me and countless others, shit, that’s why I started a blog. I have things to say but I can’t always voice them. So challenge yourself to listen to the voiceless in your life, see what isn’t being said, notice what is shown through the silence. Read between the lines.